i don't know where to go
by Alcyone23
Summary: A love story. Written for sn exchange on Livejournal.


_Tell me, tell me where I'm going  
I don't know where I've been  
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me  
And then tell me again_

* * *

It was quiet.

He was used to it, preferred it in many ways. The silence, the dark… It was familiar to him. He'd spent years in a quiet darkness. This was something he knew. This was something he could manipulate, he could control. He could destroy the dark with a match. Shatter the silence with a yell.

He didn't. It didn't feel right. It was so odd for a city to be quiet. And it seemed insulting to scream just for the sake of making noise when that was always _his_ job.

Sasuke pulled his legs close to his chest. His chin rested on his knees, arms wrapped casually around his calves.

It was quiet.

And it was brutally cold. The kind that seeped beneath the multiple layers of clothing Sasuke wore and gripped his limbs. His freezing skin was tinged pink, his bones leaden, his muscles stiff. With every exhalation, he watched the thin mist coil into figures he couldn't discern. His eyes ached; his lips had cracked long ago. Inside the black gloves, his fingers twitched. His skin had been prickling uncomfortably, but the discomfort had faded.

He'd been shaking violently. He wasn't anymore.

The city was blanketed with white. Whatever snow didn't hide, ice made its domain. Only the streets and part of the sidewalks were exempt. The gray-brown slush of salt and water bore the marks of unforgiving tires and careful footsteps. At such a late hour and in such harsh weather, few braved the outside. A pair of headlights turned a corner. Another continued down the main avenue, disappearing into the distance. From the height at which he sat, the streetlights resembled eclipses. Dark oval shapes, rays of blue-white light streaming away from them.

It was a beautiful night. The clouds had cleared to reveal a crisp sky. Millions of stars dotted the indigo expanse. The names of the constellations and some stars came to him. The Big Dipper. Orion. Polaris. A full moon hung high in the sky. He easily discerned the figures in its dark patches. The rabbit. The man.

His head leaned to the side as if his neck no longer had the strength to hold it up. His eyes were beginning to close of their own accord. He hadn't been tired, but all he wanted to do was sleep. Sleep. It didn't seem like such a bad idea. Maybe when he woke up, everything wouldn't be so fucked up. It wasn't like they could possible get _worse_.

He kicked a foot absently and some of the snow on the ledge fell. He watched it disappear into the darkness below and used a hand to sweep some more over the edge. He was up so high he couldn't see them land. The snow was too small; the ground was too far.

How fast did it fall? How sudden the stop? What would it be like to disappear against the pavement like so much snow? So obviously _there_yet each flake so obviously unseen?

Would he be seen? They hadn't really seen _him_. Only Sasuke had.

Pathetic. Pitiful. There hadn't been any laments. Would there be any for him? Would the bells fall silent again?

The wind picked up, but he barely felt it anymore. It had been painful at first, a burning sting across his unprotected skin. It felt more like a caress now. Soft. Whispered. Gone.

Sitting on the ledge, his hands tightened around the edges until they bit into his palms. He could hear careful sounds behind him, as if someone trying to reach him without startling him. He smiled humorlessly.

"Forgot something?" Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Naruto's face.

"What are you doing out here?" Naruto rubbed his arms.

"Getting a tan."

"Ha, ha, very funny, asshole." Naruto stepped toward him. Sasuke shifted closer to the edge. In the distance, he could see the city's proud clock tower. The illuminated face showed the hour. Three minutes to midnight. The clock tower had been closed off for the investigation. He'd closed it himself.

He felt Naruto come closer and he stiffened reflexively. Naruto noticed.

"C-come on, S-Sasuke," he said. His teeth chattered audibly. "It's f-freezing out here."

"Then go inside."

"N-not without y-you."

"Then freeze your ass off."

"M-Maybe I w-will!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. The snow was a fine powder in his hands. Not suitable for the snowball he was tempted to lob at Naruto's head.

"S-Sasuke?" Naruto spoke up. "I-I'm g-going to s-sit down n-next to you. O-Okay?"

"No," he replied shortly.

"I'm s-sitting now." And sit down he did. Unlike Sasuke, Naruto held his knees against his chest. He rubbed his hands together, blowing on them for heat. Even under his heavy coat, he was trembling.

Sasuke was too numb to care except to point out how much of an idiot Naruto was being.

"You're the one on the roof in the coldest night this year," Naruto replied hotly. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. The other man's voice hadn't shaken once. Even his trembling had vanished temporarily in his need to glare at Sasuke. Both soon returned.

"W-Why ar-are you o-out here any-anyw-way?"

Sasuke turned away. The clock's hands signaled a minute from midnight.

"L-Let's go back i-inside," Naruto begged. "We can t-talk about it in there."

"What makes you think I want to talk about it?"

"Be-because it's fr-freezing and y-you're out h-here."

Sasuke snorted.

"C-come on. Eve-everyone has p-problems, S-Sasuke. They ca-ca-can be so-solved. Um." Naruto looked down. "Th-they can be m-m-made better. M-Maybe I c-can see something yo-y-you can't because you-you're too close t-to the problem."

Sasuke turned to him. "Did you just say something remotely intelligent?"

"Um…yes?" Sasuke laughed at Naruto's expression. "Oh, sh-sh-shut up! Y-You kn-know? I am smart!"

"La-de-fucking-da."

"Hey!"

"You are such an idiot."

"Ye-yeah, b-b-but I'm yo-your idi-idiot."

Sasuke stopped laughing.

"P-Please, S-Sasuke? Please?" When Naruto stretched a hand to his shoulder, Sasuke didn't shove him off. Neither did he fight off the other man when Naruto grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet and away from the ledge.

Inside the dark stairwell, Naruto grabbed Sasuke's hands and rubbed them roughly. Sasuke didn't react until the first twinges of feeling returned. An uncomfortable prickling like millions of ants walking over his skin until it became a searing pain.

"That's w-what you get for being o-out there for so long," he heard Naruto mutter under his breath.

"Why did you go out that night?" Sasuke asked suddenly.

"Huh?" Naruto had made him sit down on the steps and was massaging his legs. The friction was almost unbearable.

"That night." Sasuke caught his eye. "Why did you go out?"

"I told you," Naruto replied. "I had to. Kiba and Sai called me. Our last gig. I came right back."

"No, you didn't," Sasuke hissed.

"You are seriously fucked up, you know that?" Naruto finally snapped. "Why can't you believe me for once? Do you get off on being a paranoid jackass?" Before Sasuke could respond, he continued. "And what the flying fuck were you doing outside in minus degree weather?"

"You know perfectly well what." Sasuke's tone was blank.

"Actually, I don't. No hablo ice princess with giant stick up ass. …You warm yet?"

"Yeah."

Sasuke was warm. And accompanying the warmth was the frightful pain. He hadn't been trembling outside, but his shaking bordered on seizures. Naruto swore and pulled him to his feet. He tried to throw Sasuke's arm over his shoulders, but Sasuke pulled away. Treading carefully, he made his way to his apartment. Naruto followed closely. At no point did he ever stop mentioning Sasuke's stupidity under his breath. Sasuke savored the warm presence behind him, the constant heat familiar.

Once inside the apartment, Naruto helped him out of his half-frozen clothes. They dropped into a cold, wet heap at his feet. Some not yet melted snow still clung to his overcoat. Even as he watched, the heat of the apartment began suffusing them. The patches of snow grew smaller. Melting or fusion? A useless question. He barely recalled the debate that had formed in his class. Useless.

While Naruto bumbled around the apartment, Sasuke stepped into the shower. He kept the water at room temperature and soon felt his shaking ease. The drops helped chase away the last of the cold and hurt. Sasuke remained under the spray, one hand braced on the smooth tile wall.

It had been a clear night. He'd been the first to arrive. He'd closed off the clock tower. Even after he'd told Naruto to stay put, the idiot had left.

When he stepped into the kitchen, the clock marked 12:42. Naruto sat on the counter and was eating a bowl of ramen. A second one waited on the table, steaming slightly. He pointed to it.

"I made that for you," he said between slurps. "There's nothing ramen won't fix."

"I could think of a few things," Sasuke replied drily. Naruto made a face at the comment.

"You going to tell me why you were outside?" Sasuke ignored him. He sat down at the table, but didn't touch the bowl. He wasn't hungry.

"Oy, bastard. I'm talking to you."

"You know why I was outside," Sasuke answered.

"Because I had to go out for an hour? Or because I was breaking the law?"

Sasuke glared at him. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"You know I haven't been caught yet. Or died."

Sasuke's look darkened.

"Oh, calm down, Detective Uchiha." Naruto waved a dismissive hand. Sasuke felt an eye twitch. "That was the last time. I swear. I'm clean. No matter how shiny it is, I promise not to pocket it."

Naruto grinned, but Sasuke didn't smile. He played with the noodles instead. Naruto quickly polished off the rest of his ramen. When he dropped the bowl into the sink, he belched.

"Sorry," he apologized.

Sasuke didn't raise an eyebrow at his lack of manners. "Anything missing I should call the insurance adjuster for?"

"Not yet," Naruto quipped. "But point me out to the most valuable thing in here for you and I'll make it disappear."

"Aren't you able to determine an object's worth just by looking?" Sasuke leaned back in his chair slightly. It was a motion his family and teachers had always told him would result in him falling straight backwards. He hadn't yet. "I vaguely remember you bragging about that."

"Yes, I can, but I don't know what you have insured in here." Naruto smiled. "I think I remember that day. Museum. First time we met. Those pants you wore showed off a really tight ass. No wonder you almost caught me. Speaking of those pants, you've never worn them again. How come?"

"Because I ripped them chasing you across half of downtown?"

"Oh yeah. …You should buy another pair. You looked _really_ nice in them."

Naruto leered. Sasuke snorted and dropped his chopsticks into the ramen. He toyed with the long noodles.

"You're not supposed to play with your food," Naruto scolded him, face solemn. A piece of beef struck him between the eyes. "Since when are you so immature?"

"Since you began eating away at my brain matter."

"You like it when I do that?"

"The hell I do."

"Admit it. You're a kinky bastard."

"You're delusional."

"Oh, come on, Sasuke-kun," Naruto taunted him. "Why else would you handcuff me to the bed?"

"Because you wouldn't sit still and I had a migraine."

"Kinky bastard."

"I seem to remember leaving you on that bed for several hours. Want to go for a day?"

"Aha!" Naruto pointed an imperious finger at Sasuke. "You admit to it! Pervert!"

Sasuke was unimpressed. "Would you prefer it if I took out the taser?"

There was a long pause.

"I think I'll stick to the handcuffs."

"Good boy." Sasuke smirked. The comment made Naruto straighten.

"I am not a dog!" he fumed indignantly.

"You hang out with mongrels."

"They prefer the term 'beasts,' if you don't mind."

"Mongrels."

"Whatever. What does that have to do with me anyway?"

"You are who you hang out with, idiot."

"I hang out with you. Would that make me a frigid prima donna?"

Naruto simpered, obviously proud of himself for the retort. Sasuke frowned at him. He stood up, the chair scarping back across the floor.

"Where are you going?" asked Naruto. "You haven't eaten."

"I'm getting the taser."

"You're lying. …Right? Sasuke? Tell me you're lying."

Sasuke shot him a pointed look. Naruto fumbled desperately and finally pointed at the ramen.

"Oy! Half-frozen, crazy would-be jumper! You haven't eaten."

A stab of cold irradiated down his spine. He saw the snow swirling on his hands, falling away from him. The clock tower continued to mark three minutes before midnight.

But that was wrong. It had been past midnight. And it had been snowing. The white flakes had dissolved away in the slow red puddle, red hot like a womb when he'd dipped his fingers in it.

Not unlike the womb that had birthed him.

He and she…they were so similar. They had had the same glistening red color. The same curdling heat. The same broken forms.

"Hey. Come in, Sasuke. Earth to Sasuke." Naruto waved a hand in front of his face. Sasuke blinked. "Stop thinking, bastard. I think I can smell your brain burning."

The corners of Sasuke's lips twitched upward. "At least I have a brain, idiot," he responded easily.

Naruto choked. "I do too have a brain!"

"You do not."

"I do too!"

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do!"

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do!"

"You don't."

"I do!"

"You don't."

"I do!"

"You do."

"I don't! …HEY!"

Sasuke couldn't help it. He took one look at Naruto's indignant face and began laughing.

"You," he managed to gasp between chortles, "are an idiot."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto groused. "Good for nothing jackass."

"You should stop projecting your own faults," Sasuke pointed out delicately. Naruto, apparently deciding to take the high road, stuck his tongue out at him.

They remained in a comfortable silence. Naruto remained on the counter, idly kicking his feet. He sometimes hit the wooden cabinets, the sound a dull _thunk_. Sasuke didn't eat, but cupped his hands around the bowl. It was warm, the heat radiating softly from it to his cold hands.

After a while, Naruto cleared his throat. He leaned back on his hands. His smile had faded, his eyes downcast. It was about as un-Naruto as Naruto could be. "Hey, Sasuke? Can you tell me something?"

Without warning, Sasuke felt his heart rate jump. He could feel his pulse at his wrists. His fingers were tightly white around the bowl. He knew what Naruto was going to ask. He knew and he didn't want to hear, but there was no stopping Naruto when he had a goal in mind.

In the distance, the clock tower's illuminated face revealed the hands. They pointed out three minutes before midnight.

"I still don't get it," Naruto said carefully. "Why _were_ you out there?"

Even knowing it was coming, Sasuke couldn't help but stiffen. "It doesn't concern you," he replied tersely.

"Bullshit." Naruto glared at him. "It concerns me if I have to scrape your brains off the pavement. It's part of the 'fuck buddies that are now living together' deal you and I signed."

"Shut up." Sasuke's hands fisted on the table. The ramen had cooled. The heat had filtered into the air. He could see droplets of snow begin to gather on the still surface.

"No, I am not shutting up." Naruto seemed wired up for a rant. "I told you already, didn't I? I stopped. I'm not stealing shit anymore. I actually like you for some godforsaken reason and I'm not planning on quitting on you just yet. So why don't you get your head out of your ass long enough to listen to me when I tell you that I am not fucking leaving you?"

Sasuke heard. The words reverberated in his mind. But he didn't believe him. Couldn't.

"You're lying," he whispered because he didn't have the strength to yell it. Naruto yelled in frustration.

"What the fuck is with you? You're acting like somebody died!"

Sasuke's eyes flashed. The table was upset, the ramen spilled. He shoved Naruto against the wall and was rewarded with a surprised gasp. The exhalation that followed misted over. The air felt cold.

Sasuke slanted his mouth over Naruto's as if he had something to prove. They stared at each other as they fought for dominance over the kiss. Each looked for some sign of submission on the other's face. Their naturally competitive nature, however, prohibited any giving in.

Sasuke fanned his tongue over Naruto's lips. Naruto retaliated by biting Sasuke's lower lip. Sasuke tasted the iron of his blood as his already cracked lips began to bleed. Sasuke's hands relaxed their grip, running over Naruto's chest. There was something rough under his shirt. He was distracted from his discovery by the hands mapping his sides and chest. Nails burned lines like frostbite on his overheated skin.

There was snow everywhere. And it burned hotly.

Naruto melted like so much snow and Sasuke dropped heavily on top of him. When their hips collided, Sasuke ground down and was rewarded by a gasp and moan. Smirking, he did it again.

"Bastard…" Naruto growled and quickly turned them over, taking control of their jerky thrusts. One hand plunged down into his pants, undoing the restraints. He quickly mimicked the action with Sasuke's pants. When they touched, neither could control the long, low moan. Sasuke, however, refused to remain under Naruto and promptly rolled him over.

They continued thrusting and jerking against each other as they rolled across the floor. Never did the quick grind of their hips desist. Naruto came when Sasuke bit shoulder and with a violent thrust upward. Sasuke followed with a low keening and a hand palming him.

Gasping, Sasuke felt cold. Miserably cold. While Naruto laid on his back, trying to recover his breath, Sasuke twitched up his shirt.

There was a new scar. A collection of them. A roughened shallow pit dead center on Naruto's chest mapped with a spider web of thinner lines.

"Huh? Oh. Job hazard," Naruto joked. His smile faded when he saw Sasuke's face. "It's fine, you know? I won't go out there anymore. I swear it, Sasuke."

"Yeah."

He was freezing. Naruto was cool.

"Believe me for once." Naruto's smile had faded. His voice was uncharacteristically serious. "I won't leave you."

"Yeah…"

There was ice in his palms. The snow he'd crushed so tightly had solidified. Chunks of ice that filtered through his fingers to disappear below, far, far, far below.

The clock's hands marked three minutes before midnight. The snow swirled around him. He pushed off the ledge.

The upset snow fell after him. The diminutive snowflakes melted in the hot red liquid inching across the ground.

The minute hand moved. Two minutes before midnight.

Screams and yells rose from the sidewalk. Cries for help. Gasps, murmurs, audible whispers. Soon came the unmistakable sounds of sirens and the flashing blue and red lights.

A minute to midnight.

Two deaths in less than two weeks. One shot. One jumper. Unrelated. A tragedy. A pity.

Midnight.

* * *

_I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line  
I used to think that everything was fine  
Sometimes I'd like to sit and gaze for days through sleepless dreams  
All alone and trapped in time  
All alone and trapped in time_


End file.
